Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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