I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
