you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
