This dress was meant to end up on your floor
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
