She is in my trunk
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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