Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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