I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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