My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
