this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
