he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
