my being single is dangerous.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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