getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
