I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
