I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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