at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
