Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
