I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
