i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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