hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
