You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
