You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You did what with his pubic hair?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
