I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh god it's open bar.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
