did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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