I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
