My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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