I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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