I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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