I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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