is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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