he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
