if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
