I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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