I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
