i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
