The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
