she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
