Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
