This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Randomize
