So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
