why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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