He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
