I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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