you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
