other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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