the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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