Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
