I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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