Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
