the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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