There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
