I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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